How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
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