Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
