my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
