I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
