There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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