Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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