Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
