I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
