Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am one with the molecules
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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