I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
