I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
