about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
