dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We are all done wearing pants today
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
