Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
