fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
