when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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