Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
