I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
