i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Randomize
