So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
