i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
