You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
