i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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