Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i've created a new STD.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Randomize
