Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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