I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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