I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
