I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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