I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
