You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
