You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
