Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
