I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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