it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
