The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
