I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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