How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
