you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm just crazy horny about you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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