her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
