Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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