My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
