Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
