i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
