look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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