During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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