U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can I color on your dick again?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
