He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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