I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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