do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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