She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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