How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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