My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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