In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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