after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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