DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
