i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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