he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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