Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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