I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
