at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Bring me that man meat
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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