Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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