When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
