Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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