i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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