Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
